Fat Bastard

Okay, I’ve had it with you,
you fat bastard.

For twelve years now, I’ve put up with your crap.
The constant “in your face” behavior
The endless yelling and demanding.

You glare at me constantly
Hovering over my shoulder
When I’m on the computer
taking some much needed “me” time
and minding my business.

Getting directly in my face
When all I’m trying to do is take
fifteen minutes to read the newspaper
alone.

Just to bitch about something else
You need, or want, or insist on me doing
for you.

Right this very second.

You don’t give a crap
About what I think
or need from you
You only think of yourself —
And what YOU want.

Do you know the kids laugh at you?
Do you know the kids call you names
Behind your back?
Ugly, demeaning names like “Fatso” “Tubbo”
“Lazy Slug” and “Blobbo”

And you don’t even seem to care.
Well, they call you those names
because you ARE fat and lazy!
You eat all the time!
And never do a single thing
to help us out around here.

Eat, complain, hover,
eat more, and then take a nap
whenever you so desire.

You force us to answer your every
whim and desire.

You make us do what YOU want,
otherwise you threaten to hurt us
if we don’t.

We have to watch our steps around you
You enjoy trying to trip us when we walk
Or go up and down the stairs.
Because you think it’s funny
And you can do this so easily
Especially at night when we don’t see you
hanging out in our hallway
Watching us while we sleep.

Well, you big pussy, I’m not arguing with you
anymore.

You want to talk to me?

Then you better learn to speak “human”
Because I ain’t learning how to speak “cat”.

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12 Responses to Fat Bastard

  1. Cheri says:

    I certainly get this! I have had several cats and one in particular that truly describes her. She tought she was royalty and we were rever her. 🙂

  2. Samantha says:

    Ha! This was excellent. Loved it. LOL And, the Sweet Boy too… as an owner of cats and dogs, I can relate.

  3. Bill Reed says:

    Cats don’t have “masters,” they have staff — just ask them!

  4. calliopespen says:

    hahahahahahahaha!!!!
    I could have written this one.
    But I don’t have cats.

    But I do have two dogs:)

    • wordnerd45 says:

      Thanks for reading it and glad you enjoyed it. It came to me so easily. If you were to read my poem “Sweet Boy” you’d figure out where my allegiances lie. LOL!!

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