Conversations with My Muse: Innuendo

Hey there! Just in time for brunch. I have a buffet set out and everything. Care for a slightly chilled mimosa?

Ughh, no thanks. I still have a touch of a hangover from last night.

Drink too much?

Okay, if you want to call it that…..heh heh heh

Do I even want to know this time?

Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit it — I waved a bit of my own freak flag last night. Got my party on, got funky…

My ears, my virgin ears!

Yea, HARDLY. I bet you’ve helped some people write things that were even too coarse for Larry Flynt’s publications.

Well, now that you mention it..the one with the baby wet seal and the fur lined handcuffs…Never expected an Inuit to have that kind of fantasy…

Sounds kinda ewwy, if you ask me.

Not according to the Inuits — they have 6 months of winter and darkness. For them, a seal might be more than just a food source, ya know?

No, I don’t want to know. Please let that be the end of your speech.

Okay, so back to the brunch. I have some crisp bacon strips, some scrambled eggs and waffles with blueberry syrup. Where do you want to start?

I’ll start with bacon. Gotta funny story to tell you about bacon. Well, actually the “magical animal” I call the pig.

“Magical animal”? What the hell do you mean by that?

What other animal on the face of this planet brings more epicurian delight than the pig? Think about it, bacon, ham, sausauge, mmmmm…

This conversation just got weird.

No, not really — believe it or not, this subject has every thing to do with our topic of today: innuendo.

Ohhh, I can’t wait to see how you connect the dots on THIS one…

Trust me, I’m going somewhere with this..Just take my hand and jump in, okay? The water’s a perfect temperature right now.

Okay, whatever. Let me just settle in with the waffles. Waffles — nature’s drool cups.

Speaking of getting weird….lol

So, innuendo. Let’s talk that.

Okay — you start, I’ll drizzle waffle syrup all over my….

Ah – I get it — that’s meant to be innuendo right?

Good catch, you’re getting very good at this..

Thank you, I am practicing a lot these days. Getting some great responses, too. But, that’s not why we’re brunching here.

Sorry, ADPB ya know.

ADPB? Don’t you mean ADHD?

No, ADPB. Attention Defiict Oooh, Pretty Butterfly! Has more of a romantic, carefree ring to it, eh?

Going Canadian on me with the “eh”?

Well, more like Inuit…That’s where I was last night. Ya know, they don’t have just a “man versus food source” relationship with their sea mammals, from what I saw.

Jesus, are we back on baby seals now?

Hell, I’m not the one trying to discuss innuendo. Hey, “Inuit” “innuendo”, I just made that up! Love the assonance with that…

Speaking of “ass”, that is exactly why we’re here today.

Ass? Okay, now I’m lost, but oddly intrigued at the same time….perhaps I need to shut up and take a listen huh?

That might be a good idea. After all, you’re supposed to be listening here, not randomly interrupting. I have a hard enough time getting my kids to focus — this is like talking to my teenage daughter.

Yikes, being compared to a thirteen year old? Soooo not cool.

Trust me, you two have nothing in common anyways. It would be a cold day in hell before she ever got an IPhone.

Oh, that phone — I don’t have it any more.

What? You had it for only what–4 days? WTF?

I dropped it somewhere over the Aegean sea. I was taking the long way to Sweden — you know that whole “humor” issue from yesterday, right? Well, I bent down slightly just to check out the hottie on the yacht when, whoops -fell right out of my toga. Gone, sad to say.

You poor thing — checking out hotties on yachts cruising around gorgeous seas. And here I am, stuck in the Midwestern United States. Poor, poor baby.

Hey, you don’t need to get shitty with me here. I’m just being honest about my disability. Sheesh.

Sorry, I guess I’m feeling that this conversation is becoming way too much about you.

Jealous, much?

No, but remember — you work for me. And I don’t have time to go searching for a replacement. Face it, we’re stuck together.

Okay, NOW back to your, ahem, “ass”. What’s that all about?

Oh, yea THAT. It’s a reference to what we did yesterday.

You did an “ass”? Huh?

No! I didn’t do an “ass” yesterday, but my husband did.

EXCUSE ME?

My husband did a butt yesterday.

Um…okayyyy.

Ha! You’re totally starting to skeeve on me, I can tell. Yes! I freaked out my own muse! Score!

Hell no, I’m GREEK, remember? Sheesh, we used to work it all ways — front, back, up, down…you name it, we inserted, rotated, pushed, pulled, folded, all but spindled and mutilated it.

I bet you’re best buds with Caligula.

How’d ya know?

It doesn’t take an engineer to build that bridge, chickie. Now back to the butt I chomped on last night..

Who got in trouble?

Huh?

I asked who got in trouble? Usually, when someone chomps someone’s butt, that means they got in trouble.

No, no one got in trouble — I literally did chomp some butt last night.

As in, ate it?

Yes, ate it, silly.

You ATE someone’s butt?

Yes, my husband’s, to be exact.

Let me see if I get this particular series of dialogue straight here. You…ate…your husband’s…ass last night?

Nooooooooo!

But, you just admitted that…??? Holy Hercules, I am so confused!

I never said I did anything of the sort. See, that’s where you aren’t paying attention.

Apparently not.

Chickie, what’s the topic in here today?

Innuendo.

Okay, now follow along…I said I ate my husband’s butt. In which you went straight to inferring that I did something unbelievably gross and painful to my lovely husband. See what I’m doing?

Um, no, not really…

I am not really talking about my husband’s ass OR his butt.

Then what the hell ARE you talking about?

Ahhhh, now we’re getting somewhere. It’s all about innuendo today.

Huh?

Innuendo. Which, ironically in this situation, fits perfectly. Ever notice how the word “innuendo” could sound like a Spanish suppository? In u endo. LOLOL! That just hit me.

Ugggh, now you’re rambling..

Yes, I know. Okay, so I’m making innuendo here about my husband’s butt, and you’re automatically assuming it has to do with something sexual.

Yes, pretty much.

In reality, it has nothing to do with either.

Oh, why not?

Cuz, you silly woman, I left out some major details — highly important contextual clues that would fill in the spaces and add clarity to my statement.

Such as?

Such as…we had a barbecue yesterday. My husband was the chief cook. He fired up the grill and used it as a smoker…

Oh, wait a sec…I think I know where you’re going with this….

You get the picture?

Was he cooking pork, per chance?

Yes.

Was it a fairly large piece of pork?

Yess..

Had he prepared it the day before?

Yesss…

AND, had it been prepared with a rub mix?

YES!!

Okay, so..by connecting the dots here, I can safely assume that your husband spent Friday night rubbing  a pork butt with some spices, only to wake up early the following morning, light the grill, fire up the smoker, and spend the rest of the day attending to this barbecue?

Ohhhh YESS! Brilliant deduction!

So when you said “I ate my husband’s butt last night”, what you were really talking about was the pork sandwich your husband cooked for the barbecue.

Bingo!

Ah, yep, total innuendo.

Uh huh.

Brilliant, just brilliant.

Thanks.

Now, back to that furry seal of yours…

Don’t start — just…don’t.

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