Shoot-Me-Now Moments

“Potty Patch” – the inside patch of artificial, turf-like carpeting you can put down for your dog to relieve itself indoors while you’re gone. It comes with its own “catch tray” you can empty at the end of the day.

Advantage: You won’t need to Twitter things like “My G-dam* dog pissed on my G-dam* carpeting AGAIN!” to all your Twittermates.

Disadvantage: You might have to Twitter: “My G-Dam* dog pissed inside my house AGAIN” to all your Twittermates.

Grade: D

Comments: Teach your G-dam* dog to relieve itself outside, like they’ve been doing for centuries. They aren’t cats — they are trainable*.

(*Bischon Frises, shitzus, poodles, chihuahuas and all other designer dogs that are pampered by their neurotic owners are the exception to this rule)

ALERT: NO OFFENSE TO THE ELDERLY, THE HANDICAPPED OR SEXUALLY PERVERSE IS INTENDED BY MY COMMENTS BELOW.

(FOR THAT MATTER, NO OFFENSE TO NEUROTIC DOG OWNERS, EITHER. BUT I WOULD RECOMMEND YOU GET YOURSELF A “REAL DOG” INSTEAD OF THAT OVER-SIZED RAT YOU’RE TRYING TO PASS OFF AS YOUR OWN FOUR-LEGGED ‘BABY'”)

“Freedom Wand Self Wiping Toilet Aid”: An extending, toilet-paper brush for those hard-to-reach personal areas. (Translation: ass crevasses too large to scale down in a single swipe)

Advantage: Believe it or not, this makes great sense for those who are handicapped and do not have 100% use of their hands or arms. (A demographic that seems to be completely overlooked in the general media population by the way — Hi, Aunt Bevvie!–be over real soon! Stay tight until then, okay?)

Disadvantage: It probably would not be a good idea to mention you use one over a dinner of frijoles and/or oatmeal.

Grade: B- (only because of the handicapped issue, otherwise a D)

Comments: There are very few people who’d be kind enough to help me with my personal hygiene issues. I imagine we’d have to be “really, really” close friends, or they’d be working in a nursing home.

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