Diary of a Crazy Track Lady 7-10-10

July 10, 2010

Hi there, lady! I am so happy to see you again. I just wanted to take a moment to say “YAY, YOU!” for your excellent work this past week. I am glad we’ve both decided to get back on track with exercising and eating healthier.  It hasn’t been too bad, eh?

I like how we’re starting to feel….again. It’s been awhile since we’ve had a chance to experience the endorphin rush, hasn’t it? Wow, how I have missed that post-aerobo-dogging calmness! I am sooooo glad we started that up again. And best of all, it’s FREE! Okay, so the idea of joining a fitness program and working out sounds wonderful, but why spend the money when we can use our neighborhood as our gym? The economy is tight enough as is, and we’re already stretched beyond our means. So, back to strapping the harness on your BEST PERSONAL TRAINER EVER, and away we can go –out to dance, sing, jog and fret about like the “crazy track lady” you’ve become. TAKE THAT, fancy health clubs!

Keep up the great work. I’ll be checking back in on you to make sure you’re remaining focused and inspired. Remember, two and a half years ago how HOT you looked? Well, we can and will get back there again. I’m in charge now, and I am NOT going to sit back and watch you fail again!

I’ll see you in a few days. And remember, I am here for you.

Love,

Future Hot Self

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BEST ANIMAL REVENGE STORY EVER

October 23, 2009

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/10/23/russia.skating.bear.death/index.html

I wonder what size ice skate the bear would need? Size 26 WWW?


Random Thoughts From the Nerd

October 22, 2009

I want to know what dogs are thinking, but not smelling. I don’t want to have to work that hard or experience that much.

Cats are impossible to read. They need an interpreter – perhaps a chinchilla?

I really don’t want to know how swine flu went from swine to human. Or for that matter, how ebola went from monkey to human. Regardless, someone was acting inappropriately in both situations.

Is it possible to freeze electricity?

There HAS to be a speed of dark. I just feel it. I’d be shocked if there weren’t.

Nothing smells better in a house than a batch of snickerdoodles fresh from the oven.

Any word that has “oodle” in it is fun to say.

The best punctuation mark in the world? The umlaut. Not just fun to use, but fun to say. Try it, you’ll agree.

Ask the Amish if they use hybrids. They’ll probably say, “Yes, I own a mule.” Great tie in with biology.

If Edgar Allan Poe were alive today, I would want to be his Facebook friend. Only.

People who think the world cares about them, but we really don’t:

  • Heidi and Spencer Pratt
  • Jon Gosselin
  • Paris Hilton
  • Tila Tequila
  • Balloon boy dad

People who will some day get their asses kicked by an assorted group of fed-up middle class and lower class folks:

  • Same folks

If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t anyone create chocolate covered potato chips? Two PMS problems solved at once.


Relentless

October 17, 2009

He sits.
He watches my every move.
He never speaks.
He drills his eyes
into the back of my head.
He fills my peripheral vision
He is an all-consuming presence
in my life.

I sit.
I see him there.
I do not talk to him.
I glare in his direction
I try to make him avert his eyes.
I am weakened by his will.

Click! He pulls the trigger.
Back and forth it goes.

Yes, now…

No.

Yes, NOW!

No!

Until I cave in.
And give him what he wants.

Such is the life of a woman.

completely smitten
with her dog.


Ignoring My Muse? Naw…

August 13, 2009

I feel bad for ignoring my muse the way I have been lately. I’ve just been so preoccupied with other things.

I recently was offered a full-time position where I work, instead of having to go another year as a part timer. So of course, that’s more money and opportunity! In today’s economy, just holding onto a part-time job is hard for some folk! So, that was one blessing for which I am extremely grateful.

Yesterday, I was certain our “fat bastard” had run off to die somewhere. He is an indoor cat and usually never goes outside. Two days ago, he walked out the back door and was gone for more than a day and a half. Assuming the worst, we went to bed last night missing his mandatory evening lap sit and bitch fest. Around 11:30, my son went to get something to eat and heard Fat Bastard yowling at the back door. The prodigal kitty had returned, none the worse for wear. I guess he had grown tired of us and decided to take an unscheduled (and unapproved!) vacation. He’s neutered so we can safely assume he wasn’t going out for some pussy. He’s also declawed, so he wasn’t out searching for a cat fight, either. The only one who knows is him, and as I’ve said before, “I don’t speak cat”. (see: “Fat Bastard” post)

So needless to say, my muse has been unusually quiet, what with me having to focus my energies on my new full-time gig and cat wrangling. But don’t worry– I’ve tweeted her the following:

@themuse: Sorry ’bout the ignoring stuff, mind previously occupied. All better now! Back to business.. PS: Thank U God!!!

The Nerd


Things Seen and Done at The State Fair Today

August 5, 2009
  • A herd of sheep dressed in white robes and hoods — they looked like four-legged clans members.
  • A cow giving birth — her eyes actually looked like they were screaming. Then, I saw her eat something other than hay, straw, grass, oats, etc. Eww.
  • Watched people ruin perfectly good vegetables by dipping them in fry batter and putting them into grease. I think it’s their way of justifying “getting their 3 servings of veggies per day.”
  • Watched my daughter flinch when she read “Deep fried oreos”. But, stuff her face full of candy all afternoon we had bought in bulk just to save 10% on the cost.
  • Lost sight of my daughter at least 7 times. She magically teleported herself back to us three minutes later each time. I’d like to know where the portal is that allows her to do this. There are some things in my life I’d like to go back and fix.
  • A fake kitten that looked so real I actually had to lean over and touch it, just to see if it were breathing.
  • Twisted or pinched something in my back, giving me instant buttock and leg spasms. Hobbled around for most of afternoon, cursing my daughter’s love of “all things horses”.
  • Ate my weight in “food on a stick”.
  • A parade float made entirely out of duct tape:
A Mardi Gras Parade Float

A Mardi Gras Parade Float

  • A cow and its veterinarian made entirely from butter:
The famous "butter sculpture"

The famous "butter sculpture"

  • A Harry Potter Sorting Hat and Magic Books Cake:
A Harry Potter Cake

A Harry Potter Cake

Oh the things we can see at the state fair!


T Shirt Suggestions

August 5, 2009

I know Don over on http://www.crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com has a post about obnoxious tshirt sayings, so I’m not going to try to steal his thunder. Instead, I’d like to hear from all of you T Shirt sayings/designs that you think WOULD be funny to see. I have several ideas to start the ball rolling:

“Why Ice Hockey Is the Perfect Sport for Women”

1. There are only three periods.

2. Each period lasts only 20 minutes.

3. PMS works to her advantage: Intensity and aggression is welcomed, and actually encouraged.

The next one is more of a “visual” joke. Imagine a scenic picture of a country barn. On the side of the barn, written in a splash of white paint are the words:

“RUTH YODER USES BISQUICK!”How Rumors are Spread in the Amish Community

How Rumors are Spread in the Amish Community

And lastly, again using the untapped potential of Amish humor:

Amish “Go Green” Advertising Campaign:

“Go Green. Go Hybrid. Go Mule.”

So, whatcha got for me?