Bustin a gut

July 21, 2009

Smirk.
Smile.
Snort.
Squirm.
Shudder.
Shake.
Cackle.
Guffaw.
Quake.
Burst.
Explode.
Tears.
Gasp.
Breathe!
Inhale…

Again.


Soundin’ Off, Again and Again

July 21, 2009

Yankin’ like a monkey in a mango tree
Crankin’ like a million volt battery
Spankin’ like a jelly in the deep blue sea
That’s what that sound,
that sweet sweet sound
That’s what that sound
Done doin’ to me.

Cluckin’ like a chicken in the old barnyard
Honkin’ like a goose dat been flyin’ too hard
Groovin’ like a flower that’s been stung by a bee
That’s what that sound
That sweet, sweet sound
That’s what that sound
Done doin’ to me.

Quakin’ like the dirt on a seismic fault
Thumpin’ like some rubber over cheap asphalt
Itchin’ like a dog dat been bitten by a flea
That’s what that sound
That sweet, sweet sound
That’s what that sound
Done doin’ to me.

Grindin’ like a gear shift on a Chevy Chevette
Hissin’ like a rattler that got caught in a net
Cracklin’ like a lightning bolt strikin’ a tree
That’s what that sound
That sweet, sweet sound
That’s what that sound
Done doin’ to me.


Lazy Bi*ch

July 20, 2009

Well, well, it looks like my
bitch has finally returned.

Did you even leave? Ha ha,
I barely noticed.

Anyways, you’re back
And I’m wondering —
Where the hell
is my dinner?

Step to it!

I don’t give a damn
if you’re tired
from a long day of work.

So what if
your feet hurt
your back is sore
and your job sucks
because your boss yelled at you
over something stupid you did.

I’m sure you deserved it anyways.

I don’t care,
because I’ve been here
waiting all day
for you to come back
and pay attention to me.

So when I say “jump up”
I mean it.

Hasn’t the last 12 years of living
with me taught you a single thing?

Are you that slow to learn?

When I say “feed me now”
the only responses I expect to
hear from your lips are “Yes, sir”
“Right away, sir”
and
“Anything else, sir?”

You need to know your
proper place around here, woman.

Because I’ll flat out
hurt you, if you don’t.

I’ve done it before,
And I’ll do it again.

That’s what makes me
KING around this place.

By the way,
Later on,
I expect some loving.
On my terms.

You’ll do what I ask
you to do,
until I tell you to stop.
And you will like it.

Because you need to realize,
I own you,
free and clear.

I get what I want
when I want it,
or else everyone
around me will suffer.

Now, go clean my litterbox.


Fat Bastard

July 19, 2009

Okay, I’ve had it with you,
you fat bastard.

For twelve years now, I’ve put up with your crap.
The constant “in your face” behavior
The endless yelling and demanding.

You glare at me constantly
Hovering over my shoulder
When I’m on the computer
taking some much needed “me” time
and minding my business.

Getting directly in my face
When all I’m trying to do is take
fifteen minutes to read the newspaper
alone.

Just to bitch about something else
You need, or want, or insist on me doing
for you.

Right this very second.

You don’t give a crap
About what I think
or need from you
You only think of yourself —
And what YOU want.

Do you know the kids laugh at you?
Do you know the kids call you names
Behind your back?
Ugly, demeaning names like “Fatso” “Tubbo”
“Lazy Slug” and “Blobbo”

And you don’t even seem to care.
Well, they call you those names
because you ARE fat and lazy!
You eat all the time!
And never do a single thing
to help us out around here.

Eat, complain, hover,
eat more, and then take a nap
whenever you so desire.

You force us to answer your every
whim and desire.

You make us do what YOU want,
otherwise you threaten to hurt us
if we don’t.

We have to watch our steps around you
You enjoy trying to trip us when we walk
Or go up and down the stairs.
Because you think it’s funny
And you can do this so easily
Especially at night when we don’t see you
hanging out in our hallway
Watching us while we sleep.

Well, you big pussy, I’m not arguing with you
anymore.

You want to talk to me?

Then you better learn to speak “human”
Because I ain’t learning how to speak “cat”.